Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
