when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I didn't shave. On purpose
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
