OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
