News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
