i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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