Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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