New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
