I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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