I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
