im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She bit a glass in half.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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