And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
