Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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