good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
