youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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