I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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