My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize