hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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