My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
