Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
