i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
