Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
