I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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