I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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