She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
