Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Couch. On fire.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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