i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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