seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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