You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
