it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
