the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
