she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
