I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
