New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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