so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize