I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
a search helicopter?!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
