sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
