So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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