Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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