I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
