Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
