If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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