from now on my penis is your penis
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
