So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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