It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
