i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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