Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
