my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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