forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
