The police scanner is talking about you again....
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
