I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
