I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
not ubering you a puppy
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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