people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
