I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Randomize
