I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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