Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
