I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
