You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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