I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
