apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
