some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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